Your CRACK is Showing!

There are plenty of expressions familiar to the experienced cyclist. For example, you know to say “on your LEFT” when you’re forced to pass someone in close proximity on their left so they don’t walk or ride into your path. (You also know to expect the newbie or drunkard to get confused and drift to the left rather than move right or stay steady.)

Other handy expressions, which should always be shared loudly enough to be clearly heard over the wind and traffic noise, include:

•  “Runner up!” when a runner is approaching your fast-moving peloton in the bike lane. Smart riders gently drift left a bit to help avoid a collision.
• “Hole!” when a pothole or crack large enough to cause trouble is looming ahead. The riders who want to keep their collar bones intact make sure they have both hands on the bars when this is heard and prepare to “bunny-hop” the obstacle. The new rider who doesn’t care if all the riders behind him spend the night in the hospital will prepare to swerve wildly to avoid the obstacle, sweeping at least one rider’s front wheel with his back wheel in the process.
• “Your crack is showing!” when the spandex on the back of a cyclist’s shorts has worn thin enough to reveal the rider’s butt crack while riding. The smart rider will quickly look away from the wardrobe malfunction to avoid nausea and vomiting in the peloton.

Once upon a time I thought that last expression might be inappropriate, and it may not be familiar to every cyclist. I became more comfortable using this expression after my wife subtly mentioned that my SDBC team shorts were wearing a bit thin. I looked in a full-length mirror at my derriere while crunched in a riding-like position, then fell into shock. “That’s my ASS!” came out of my mouth loudly and involuntarily. I felt like writing a formal apology to my fellow club riders and a formal complaint to Pactimo (our clothing provider). After one short year, one panel of these shorts essentially became transparent. I wish someone had mentioned this to me earlier, but I understand. I once noticed some guy in our club who apparently wanted to hang onto an old version of our club’s logo shorts even if they were barely hanging onto him. His hairy butt showed through so clearly that nobody could ride right behind him. It was a sickening sight but nobody was brave (or nice?) enough to kindly suggest he check out the transparency level on his shorts when he got home...or at the next bike shop we passed.

Now I’ve been on both ends of that equation. I’ve checked all my shorts and from now on if you hear someone yell “Crack!” get some clarification. Cracks in the road can be called out as “Hole!” and if your hole is nearly showing then “Your crack is showing!” is perfectly acceptable.

New Year’s Registrations

I've never been interested in "New Year's Resolutions." All of humanity makes a mockery of them. Let's base our plans for improvement upon how long it takes our planet to swing around the nearest star. Then let's forget what they were by the time our little dirtball called earth makes it through 10% of the trip.

Nope, no resolutions for me. I'm into new year's registrations. Sometime in December, I register for all sorts of stuff. It doesn't matter if I'm sure I can go. It doesn't matter if I'll want to engage in those activities once the calendar throws them in my face. What does matter is that even in southern California, the weather in January isn't always nice for cycling. As a result, the weekly training miles go down. Even though I'm not much of a bike racer, I know that our club rides are going to speed up and I will want to get into better shape as spring approaches.

If I have a New Year's resolution, it's to remember to make my New Year's registrations before the year gets underway. Those registrations include:

• Renew membership in San Diego Bicycle Club (SDBC)
  
• Renew membership in USA Cycling
  
• Register for Stage Coach Century (by Shadow Tours), a nice kick-start to the training mileage with almost no traffic to worry about
  
• Register for the 3-day King of the Mountains camp by Planet Ultra in the Santa Monica Mountains.
  
• Make hotel reservations that shadow the SoCal portion of the Tour of California so I can ride and watch a great weekend of pro racing
  
• Register for any other bike event that sounds appealing and is organized enough to have their registration process up and running by December
  

If you haven't already, give this approach a try. There's something about paying the nominal fee and putting the event in your calendar that stops you from turning off your alarm clock and going back to bed that morning.

Cervélo Nightmare? Néver Again!

Are you thinking of buying a new bicycle? The good news is there are a lot of great choices out there (see list of manufacturers at the bottom of this post). The more you're willing to pay, the broader the selection becomes. Unless you're a top pro, you can get a bike that easily exceeds what is warranted by your riding or racing talents for only a few grand. For $7K, you can get an awesome bike (including custom wheels) that you simply don't deserve.

Given the broad selection available (and my willingness to buy bikes I don't deserve), my last few purchases have been partially based upon aesthetics…how sexy does the bike look? Apparently I made the right choice when I bought a black Colnago CLX a few years ago. Before the start of one of our SDBC club rides, a lady there said, "That bike IS sex!" Strange choice of words, but I didn't disagree with her.

Despite my emphasis on "looks," I also demand great performance out of a bike that costs thousands of dollars. So when I took my 2010 Cervélo P3 time trial bike out for a spin, I was immensely disappointed when I encountered problems with the seat post. I was also angered when my contact at the bike shop refused to help me with this issue. (Due to ongoing relationships between the bike shop and a local bike club, I'll leave the name of the shop anonymous here.) In a nutshell, here's what happened…

After riding the P3 for about 20 miles of TT training, the seatpost slipped down. In the process of slipping down, the poorly-designed seat post clamp shredded a bunch of carbon fiber right off the back of the post, making my brand new seat post look like crap. I can hear you saying, "Well, that's just a seatpost clamp torque issue, moron!" This was also my first assumption. If that was the case, then the bike shop just messed up by not using sufficient torque and/or carbon fiber friction compound. But when I brought the bike in, the guy who sold me the bike declared that the bike shop couldn't possibly be at fault and insinuated that I must have messed with the bolts on the seat post clamp (which I certainly had not) because nobody else had. He suggested that "someone" had over-tightened the clamp bolts after the bike left the shop because the sharp edge of the seat post clamp cut into the seat post when the seat post slipped down. This was a demonstration of "How to piss off your customer 101." After selling a very expensive product that fails, accuse the customer of being at fault.

Why would I dedicate time and effort to whining about this unpleasant experience? Because I want anyone out there who may have had a similar experience with a Cervélo seat post to know the "rest of the story" as Paul Harvey would say. If this has happened to you, don't let the bike shop or Cervélo tell you it's your fault or that they've never heard of this problem before. Don't be a victim.

The bike shop staff eventually confessed that some of the seat posts fall out of spec. (This didn't come out until I pushed back again and again, threatening to work with Cervélo to get a complete refund if the bike shop wasn't going to help.) When the bike shop finally provided me with a replacement seat post, I confirmed this with a caliper right there in the shop, measuring the two seat posts side-by-side. The seat post that originally came with the bike was not as wide as the replacement was. Cervélo had allowed a crucial part to fall outside of a functional tolerance range but never issued a recall and never admitted there was any problem. Their poor clamp design exacerbated the problem by making it look like the clamp had been OVER-tightened when the post slipped. In reality, the clamp should have been over-tightened to try to compensate for the poorly formed seat post. After hearing two different versions of every story from the bike shop, I lost confidence in them and will never step foot in that shop again.

If the replacement seat post was going to slip and shred like the first one did, I knew there was no way this unreliable, untrustworthy bike shop was going to provide me with a third one. Since the seat post clamp bolts were starting to strip in the frame, I bit the bullet and applied epoxy adhesive to this post before inserting it for the very last time. Now I can't adjust the height of the seat, but I will finally not have to worry about the seat slipping down during training or competition. The bad news is that this permanently fixed seat height dramatically reduces the resale value of the bike. The good news is that I'm still comfortable with the permanently fixed seat height.

Yes, Cervélo makes beautiful bikes. But would I ever buy one again? Never, ever, ever. Getting stuck with inferior design by a given manufacturer just once is unfortunate. Going back to that same manufacturer again—especially after such poor customer service—would be stupid. There are so many great-looking bikes that are also well-designed, including legendary American brands used by the pros: Cannondale, Trek, Specialized, Scott, Felt, Ellsworth, Jamis, Independent Fabrication, Serotta,and Kestrel.

Happy shopping!